Understanding Positive & Negative Emotion Cycles in Your Relationships

Written by Ian Kerns, LMFT, and Trent Heck, LISW, LCSW-R, ACSW, C-ACYFSW.

I remember when I was a child and there was a large blueberry patch near my house in Maine. Somebody had put up a sign near the patch that said in bold letters, “Be alert: where there’s berries, there’s bears.”

I left and did not return to that blueberry patch. Why? Because the idea of being mauled by a bear made me feel unsafe. I didn’t want to feel this way again, so I didn’t go back.

This is a simple example of a negative emotion cycle—a core concept we explore in couples therapy.

What are Positive and Negative Emotion Cycles?

Positive and negative emotion cycles are patterns we fall into when our past emotional experiences shape how we respond to similar situations in the future.

A negative emotion cycle begins when something makes us feel unsafe, dismissed, or hurt. Our brains remember them as a kind of warning signal—don’t go back there, don’t do that again.

A positive emotion cycle begins when we feel valued, safe, or joyful. These experiences may not be as powerful as negative ones at first, but repeated often enough, they create a foundation of trust, safety, and connection.

John Gottman did some of the most compelling and complete research on this topic in the early and mid-1990s, and it has continued to be supported in research today. Dr. Gottman also wrote one of the books that I ask couples to read: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

How Cycles Impact Relationships

Understanding these cycles can be powerful when repairing relationships, especially when there is daily contact and intimacy, like in marriages and long-term, committed partnerships. That’s because the emotions we carry around—or the regard that we have for our partner at any given moment—will affect how we approach and respond to them.

Imagine a couple: Partner A & Partner B.

Let’s say Partner A forgets to do the dishes and Partner B reacts by saying, “You never help around here. I do everything by myself.”

This reaction likely stems from Partner B feeling hurt or dismissed, and now Partner A feels hurt and dismissed, too.

The next time Partner A walks into the kitchen, they might avoid the dishes altogether. They don’t want to revisit the negative emotions from before, so they become avoidant or withdrawn.

Partner B sees the dishes left undone again, reinforcing their negative emotions and deepening the cycle.

What started as a mistake becomes a pattern of resentment perpetuated by both parties.

The Research Reveals: It’s Hard.

As humans in relationships, we don’t always act in ways that resolve the conflict. Sometimes, we simply do things to protect ourselves from mental pain or discomfort.

Like with the blueberries, our brains pay much more attention to threats and negative interactions than positive ones. We pay about five times more attention, in fact, to unpleasant interactions with our partner (Gottman, 1994).

On the other hand, relational researchers have found that healthy relationships that have a high degree of resilience and commitment tend to have a ratio of positive to negative interactions that is about five positives to one negative (Gottman, 1994).

To summarize: individuals are five times more likely to notice the negatives, yet we need five times as many positives to strengthen relationships. No wonder it feels impossible sometimes.

It will always feel easier to respond to irritation with criticism or anger, but the impact of these actions in relationships cannot be overstated. And despite relative weakness, the high value of positive interactions shouldn’t be underestimated either. (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Create Opportunities for Connections

My takeaway has always been to be mindful of the massive impact a small negative statement or criticism will have on the other person.

Let’s revisit the dishes debacle. What if Partner B had said, “I feel overwhelmed by the chores right now. Can you help me out with the dishes?” Instead of triggering defensiveness, this communication approach welcomes connection, teamwork, and gratitude—creating a positive emotion cycle for both partners.

When I illustrate this concept for the couples I see as a marriage counselor, it helps them understand, be aware, and achieve better daily functioning and happiness.

Are you and your partner struggling to break out of negative emotion cycles and reconnect with one another?

Reach out to Meadowlark! We will match you with a clinician specializing in relationships and the roots of conflict that many couples face.

References

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.