How to Stop Playing the “Blame Game” in Your Relationship
Written By: Jordan Arneson, tLMFT
Placing blame is one way our brain attempts to solve a problem or understand a situation, but unfortunately, it creates what we call a negative affect cycle. One person’s frustration triggers the other person’s defensiveness, which creates more frustration, more defensiveness, and, eventually, a conflict that seems to take on a life of its own.
These cycles are difficult to manage because, during heated moments, we tend to revert to our “reptile brain.” In other words, our nervous system senses a threat, triggering instinctive behaviors such as fighting. Suddenly, the higher-level thinking skills responsible for reflection, empathy, and problem-solving are nowhere to be found.
Often, our somewhat impaired “conflict brains” decide that it’s our partner who is the problem. Maybe if we just explain things a little bit harder and a little bit louder, they will finally get it. Then, they can stop being the problem!
Spoiler alert: this strategy rarely works.
3 Coping Skills to Help Break the Blame Cycle
I have yet to see a couple stop in the middle of a heated argument to pause and calmly accept responsibility for their part in the conflict. At least not without some conflict-resolution coping skills.
When it comes to disrupting the “blame game,” the goal is not to decide who is entirely right or entirely wrong. The goal is to understand the pattern you two have created together.
#1: Write From Your Partner’s POV
One “blame game” exercise I use with couples is to have each partner go into a separate room and write a letter describing what they believe the other person’s position is and why, from their partner’s perspective, it’s a completely reasonable position.
First, writing things down often helps people step out of their “reptile brain” long enough to consider their partner’s point of view. They may not agree with it, but they can begin to understand it. That doesn’t mean they “lose” or “give in.” It just means they recognize that their partner’s thoughts and feelings make sense from where they are standing.
#2: Disagree While Still Reassuring the Relationship
Another exercise that I have couples do is to tell each other, “I disagree. I think you’re dead wrong. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love you.”
It may feel awkward at first, but it communicates something important: disagreement does not have to mean rejection.
#3: Define the Problem Without Assigning Blame
The final coping skill I ask people to use is to define the problem without assigning any blame.
A lighthearted example: let’s say I come home hungry to find that my partner has once again charred a casserole for dinner. Instantly, I feel annoyed, frustrated, and disappointed—and it’s their fault!
Blame? Placed.
But what if, instead of treating it as a moral failing, I focused on defining the problem without placing blame. I might say, “Thank you for making dinner. I’ve noticed it keeps burning, and we need a more reliable way to prevent that from happening.”
Regardless of why dinner keeps burning, naming the problem and exploring possible solutions together is more likely to create a productive conversation than placing blame on my partner.
And then, we can still enjoy the evening together—even if we do end up eating at Burger King again.
